If you can't say something nice...
People can sometimes speak without thinking, react without planning and go off when they need to go on. The most innocuous statements can lead to biblical confrontations.
Even "well-intended" comments can cut wounds so deep that intense emotional surgery is needed. But where does the problem lie?
Is the person making the comments to blame? Do they speak without considerations for the feelings of the person listening?
Or is the receiver to blame for being too thin-skinned? Shouldn't they toughen up to statements that are intended to help?
It has appeared to me that no matter how you intended to say something, it always relies on how it is perceived. The listener decides what you meant and how you meant it -- no matter what the speaker's intentions were.
If I said, "You look great today," you can either take it as a compliment, or you can be insulted, offended or angry.
Therein lies the problem with communication -- whether spoken, unspoken, written or mimed.
And, when understanding and compassion are most needed is when communication often breaks down. The intensity of a situation often leads to assumptions, guesses and, invariably, hard feelings (which is totally different from hard cheese).
How do we reach a consensus? By realizing that it is more important in these times to make sure that understanding is a 2-way street. It feels like it is easier to just get angry about something or someone than to explore the meaning of conversation.
We all have the "fight or flight" mechanism built into our brains. But we also have the sense of compassion and understanding hard-wired into our systems as well.
Don't expect to make a change and have it work for everyone. We are all individuals and have different needs and desires.
But if we all try a little harder a little more each day to understand and be understood, would it help?
Monday, February 20, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Affairs Of The Heart
Injury Update
The cast on my hand has been cut down so that just my thumb is encased in plastic. I am healing remarkably well and have had little pain from the original injury.
However, the pain I am experiencing is the most intense pain I think I've ever felt. The doctor told me that the skiing injury stretched out a nerve that leads to my thumb.
After the surgery, parts of my thumb and the back of my hand were numb. No problem. But now the nerve is healing and coming back to life.
I liken it to having acid suddenly poured inside my thumb. It is searing pain, but brief -- and I hope it stays that way.
V-Day
This Valentine's Day was unusual on many fronts. Personally, the love of my life surprised me and it was great.
I heard and read about many people who think Valentine's Day isn't really needed for people who are truly in love. The feeling is that if you show someone you love the proper affection and attention all year long, you don't need one day to overdo it.
I agree, but I still don't think you can neglect your loved one on Feb. 14. You don't need to overdo it, but just a little message to let them know you are thinking about them.
In some ways, it is a Hallmark holiday -- a made-up, over-commercialized holiday. But you can fight that feeling by creating something special.
A nice homemade dinner, a handcrafted item, doing something great out of the ordinary -- these will all be very nice gestures. And you don't have to feed the machine known as the corporate cash register.
If you already do these things, one more is easy. If not, there are plenty of helpful books to give you ideas. Some of them will even give you step-by-step instructions for an evening your partner will never forget.
Although, as I discovered this holiday, nothing beats chocolate -- except maybe chocolate on a tropical island.
The cast on my hand has been cut down so that just my thumb is encased in plastic. I am healing remarkably well and have had little pain from the original injury.
However, the pain I am experiencing is the most intense pain I think I've ever felt. The doctor told me that the skiing injury stretched out a nerve that leads to my thumb.
After the surgery, parts of my thumb and the back of my hand were numb. No problem. But now the nerve is healing and coming back to life.
I liken it to having acid suddenly poured inside my thumb. It is searing pain, but brief -- and I hope it stays that way.
V-Day
This Valentine's Day was unusual on many fronts. Personally, the love of my life surprised me and it was great.
I heard and read about many people who think Valentine's Day isn't really needed for people who are truly in love. The feeling is that if you show someone you love the proper affection and attention all year long, you don't need one day to overdo it.
I agree, but I still don't think you can neglect your loved one on Feb. 14. You don't need to overdo it, but just a little message to let them know you are thinking about them.
In some ways, it is a Hallmark holiday -- a made-up, over-commercialized holiday. But you can fight that feeling by creating something special.
A nice homemade dinner, a handcrafted item, doing something great out of the ordinary -- these will all be very nice gestures. And you don't have to feed the machine known as the corporate cash register.
If you already do these things, one more is easy. If not, there are plenty of helpful books to give you ideas. Some of them will even give you step-by-step instructions for an evening your partner will never forget.
Although, as I discovered this holiday, nothing beats chocolate -- except maybe chocolate on a tropical island.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Confluence Of Emotions, Part 2
And we're back!
I started to rant on Monday and stopped. I'm torn because I want to talk about people who write letters to television stations about programming.
On one hand, I think that the right of voicing your opinion is one of the fundamental rights of our country -- freedom of speech and expression. Strong, thoughtful words are often the catalysts of profound and meaningful action.
On the other hand, signing your name to a letter or e-mail that someone else wrote just means you were concerned about the topic because it was in front of you -- but not enough to write your own words. Weak.
And people who write about television programs need to realize they already control what appears on their television. It is called a remote control.
If you don't like a show, I guarantee you that stations will pull shows with bad ratings faster than lightning. If you don't like the choices, turn it off.
I'm not sure where in our society it became okay to sit back, fire off an e-mail, and think you've done your part. Or worse, just sit back and gripe.
More of us need to take personal responsibility for the world around us. Knowing how things work makes it much easier to make a change.
And now, I'm going to make a PR&J -- just for a change.
(Oh, and my injury was 2 torn ligaments in my hand from a skiing accident. And I'm not too old to be doing this stuff -- so get over it.)
I started to rant on Monday and stopped. I'm torn because I want to talk about people who write letters to television stations about programming.
On one hand, I think that the right of voicing your opinion is one of the fundamental rights of our country -- freedom of speech and expression. Strong, thoughtful words are often the catalysts of profound and meaningful action.
On the other hand, signing your name to a letter or e-mail that someone else wrote just means you were concerned about the topic because it was in front of you -- but not enough to write your own words. Weak.
And people who write about television programs need to realize they already control what appears on their television. It is called a remote control.
If you don't like a show, I guarantee you that stations will pull shows with bad ratings faster than lightning. If you don't like the choices, turn it off.
I'm not sure where in our society it became okay to sit back, fire off an e-mail, and think you've done your part. Or worse, just sit back and gripe.
More of us need to take personal responsibility for the world around us. Knowing how things work makes it much easier to make a change.
And now, I'm going to make a PR&J -- just for a change.
(Oh, and my injury was 2 torn ligaments in my hand from a skiing accident. And I'm not too old to be doing this stuff -- so get over it.)
Monday, February 06, 2006
Confluence Of Emotions
The stitches come out today. I'll actually get to use my left hand a little easier than now.
I'll still have a cast for about another 6 weeks, but at least it will be smaller.
On the other hand, I'll be moaning for a week about the poor officiating in Super Bowl XL. It isn't sour grapes -- it is just that the better team was not ahead on the scoreboard.
And while some of the commercials were good (Budweiser did a great job with the colt and the streaker sheep), none were really great.
I'll post more tomorrow -- after I get the stitches removed. I have a rant about people who .. well, you'll see.
I'll still have a cast for about another 6 weeks, but at least it will be smaller.
On the other hand, I'll be moaning for a week about the poor officiating in Super Bowl XL. It isn't sour grapes -- it is just that the better team was not ahead on the scoreboard.
And while some of the commercials were good (Budweiser did a great job with the colt and the streaker sheep), none were really great.
I'll post more tomorrow -- after I get the stitches removed. I have a rant about people who .. well, you'll see.
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