Dare You Not To Laugh

I had to share this. We all need a good chuckle.

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

"In my eyes/Indisposed/In disguise/As no one knows"

Tragedies And Mistakes

It is a national tragedy! A mistake of epic proportions!

Now, your task is to figure out where those two sentences go in this column.

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McDonald's is pulling their Hot-And-Spicy McChicken sandwich. They said the entree never really took off after being introduced in January.

When I announced this in the newsroom, one woman said, "I didn't even know they had a hot-and-spicy chicken sandwich." Therein lies the problem.

Actually, I never ate one of them, so I really don't care if they stay or go. I've had better fare from other places, including my own kitchen.

But in discussing this news, my best friend announced he wanted McDonald's to bring back the McRib sandwich. I guess there is nothing better than pressed pork meat into a pseudo-rack of rib-like shape -- with a pickle slice.

I remember how messy those things were. They weren't better than an actual rack of rib, but somehow they were very addictive.

Drop me a comment below and let's chat about what other fast food favorites would be great to munch again.

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I'm about to delve into something that I really have no business, but that's never stopped me before.

A dear friend of mine recently lamented about getting her hair cut. Not actually that she got it cut, but more that she got it cut off.

She had been growing out her hair and was quite happy with the length. She asked a beautician friend of hers to even out the back.

Before you can say Minoxidil, hair was flying everywhere and her previously flowing locks were now shorn very short. And I'm sure the tears were flowing as well.

In relating the story to me, she said what she truly dreaded was when her hair would grow out again and get to the "in-between" stage -- a length longer than chin level, but not quite shoulder length. She said her hair would stop growing for 5 months and stay at that in-between length.

I chuckled because I hear that all the time from women after they get their haircut. I can't empathize for obvious reasons, but I do sympathize.

And believe me guys; we will feel their pain and frustration even though we had nothing to do with it. Our best defense is to tell them (and rightly so) that they are still beautiful.

Then go after the beautician.

"Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design."

Can't Find The Way

Why do all medicine list "mild burning sensation" as one of their side effects? Just once, can't someone have "will eat your brain and spit out the rocks" as a side effect?

As you can tell, my brain has gone for walkabout. I've really got nothing this time around.

In one of my previous rants, I talked about how Warner Brothers was attempting to update the classic characters of Bugs, Road Runner, Taz, Daffy and others by making them edgier and more hip. "Lunatics Unleashed" was their end result and it was an affront to all my cartoony memories.

I finally (accidentally) stumbled across the show last weekend. Ugh. I'm sorry. Give me the classics.

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I did it. I signed up and am running a marathon in January.

There is still time for you to sign up. Come join me!

And yes, I did check with my doctor and she signed off on it.

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Speaking of which, how many people have general physicians that are of the opposite sex? And how weird is it during physicals?

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Never let it be said that I act my age!



"Mr. Gibbs... I feel sullied and unusual."

For The Republic

How did you celebrate the Fourth of July?

I spent it at home making Texas-style chili and defending the Republic from droids and Trandoshans. How better to celebrate Independence?

Hopefully, everyone did something to exercise his or her independence that was declared in 1776. Throw off the yoke of your oppressor -- sloth, overindulgence, whatever it is that is holding you back.

We can always use another Commando in the Republic.

It is also a good time to remember and honor those who defend our freedom. However, it appears that all freedoms are not equal.

A woman whose husband died while fighting in Afghanistan is now battling the government over her husband's tombstone.

The woman wants to place a Wiccan symbol on his government-issued plaque at the Northern Nevada Veterans Memorial Cemetary. According to the Department of Veterans Affairs, Wicca is not among the 38 approved belief systems.

Wait. Read that again.

Wicca is not among the approved belief systems. You know what is an approved belief system? Atheism -- the non-belief in the existence of deities.

This probably has less to do with the approval of Wicca and more to do with the appearance of the Wiccan symbol -- a pentagram inside a circle. Draw your own conclusions.

Regardless of what you believe, one of the basic tenets of our history is freedom of religion. And as long as you don't force your beliefs on others, go ahead and worship away.

But the government needs to get out of the way. They aren't going to win on this one.